The Reluctant Housewife or Dorothy Parker Ate My Puppy

"When I got married, I said to my therapist, 'I want to do something creative.' He said, 'Why don't you have a baby?' I hope he's dead now." Joy Behar

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Am I cursed, or paranoid? Or Both?

This has been a week of minor disasters & emotional confusion.

First, there was the Flood which ruined the carpets, left a damp smell & brought the mice out of hiding.

Second came the Plague of Maggots. A bin bag split outside and hosts of white wiggly creatures came squirming toward the light under the kitchen door. It was a relentless army of bug babies. I don't mind them if they're on the end of a hook, or being bred in sterile circumstances to eat rotten flesh. I do, however, object to them seeking sanctuary in my room where I prepare food.

The third straw across this self-pitying camel's back was the disintegration of the cold water tap in the bathroom. Now I have to brush my teeth with the hot tap. It's disconcerting, as though my mouth becomes a minty washing machine.

Then, the bedroom curtains split as a result of sun damage. Almost took a pair of scissors to them in a fit of homicial/curtaincidal rage, but was stopped by the fact that my scissors can't cut butter. Found a replacement pair of curtains in Homebase (although replacament scissors would have been more satisfying) in a ecclesiastical shade of purple. Vile, but serviceable.

My name is Edith & I live in a hovel.

Lastly, and most upsettingly, Old Friend has decided that if I do not choose between him & husband he will never see me again. How can I do this? Things might not be great between Husband & I but I can't run into the unknown just because things are rocky, I don't have a job, I live in a pit & need some excitement, can I?

At least I'm not Toby the bunny on Death Row. "Toby is the cutest little bunny on the planet. Unfortunately, he will DIE on November 6th, 2006 if you don.t help (sic.)...Unfortunately, on November 6th, 2006, Toby will die. I am going to eat him. I am going to take Toby to a butcher to have him slaughter this cute bunny. I will then prepare Toby for a midsummer feast. I have several recipes under consideration, which can be seen, with some pretty graphic images, under the recipe section. I don’t want to eat Toby, he is my friend, and he has always been the most loving, adorable pet. However, God as my witness, I will devour this little guy unless I sell 100,00 copies of my book."

Now, rabbit tastes good. No, it tastes great. I say save the world from another mediocre book and put Toby in a roasting pan with some shallots.