The Reluctant Housewife or Dorothy Parker Ate My Puppy

"When I got married, I said to my therapist, 'I want to do something creative.' He said, 'Why don't you have a baby?' I hope he's dead now." Joy Behar

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

New Project

I've a fantastic title for my next project, and am brimming with enthusiasm.

So far, 205 words. Not a lot, but it's a start. I love it when ideas, memories and imagination coalesce into potential.

Aside from that, I walked through the streets of Chelsea and Fulham this morning, slowly, relishing the sun and the light breeze that made it bearable. My hospital check went as well as any occasion when an Australian ex-farmer shoves an ultrasound stick into your vagina and wiggles it about as though he's digging for gold can go.

This evening I have to make vodka jelly in a rabbit mould for a dinner party tomorrow night. My friends and I started a drinking society at Cambridge and we've kept it up ever since. Most driking societies involved sitting in a dark medieval hall in candlelight, opposite a chinless idiot who vomited between courses. We gave up on the traditional approach and decided that if we were going to get drunk we might as well:

a. Do it properly, with vodka, not cheap chianti.
b. Avoid bow tied fools who had yet to have sex but lived in hope.

Monday, August 29, 2005

And I'm back...

...bushy eyed and bright tailed. The suun is shining and all is right with the world.

I saw and old friend yesterday, and got the most amazing hug. The kind that's strong, so close you can hear their heartbeat.

Found the following link Venganza, with has made me laugh compulsively. Have you sighted the flying spagetti monster?

There's a curious optimism in the air today. I have a new idea for a novel, glossy hair and a salad waiting in the kitchen. My Plathian breakdown is over for another month and I can see god in noodles.

Have a great day.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

My Period makes Crazy

Spent last night crying, crying, crying, crying. Wish this never-ending cycle of up and down would end.

Saturday, August 20, 2005


A slow day, as though the air is made of treacle. I have so many chores and no inclination to start any of them. I wonder how I can resurrect my enthusiasm, and I realize that repressing feelings takes effort (see previous post).

How are you today? Are you happy and productive? I hope so. There's nothing like a bout of idle misery to make you re-examine your life. No good can come of this. I looked at Dr Raj Persaud's yesterday. He postulates that if you can't think of the ten things your most proud of in the space of a few minutes then your self esteem is shot. It took me half an hour to think of any.

1. Getting my degree - no mean feat as I when I took my finals I was a depressed, shaking wreck.

2. Being an intrepid traveller (until I got the fear). I remember waking up on random buses as the sun rose over the Sahara and not caring if I knew where we were going or what I would do when we got there. I had an unshakeable belief that everything would be OK.

I now I'm feeling down because of my hormonal problems, but it has affected the rest of my life to the extent that I think my life is depressing me too.

I don't work, don't have an children, have no pets, do as little housework as I can get away with, own no property, drink too much, take too many sleeping pills...It's an effort to breathe sometimes.

The thing I want most right now, apart from good mental health and a house, is a puppy. I've give several toes to have some company during the day.

Dreamt of an old boyfriend last night - my dreams are so real recently, as though they are where I'm actually living my life.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Repress those feelings!

This afternoon a technician of some sort's going to scan my bones to see if I've got osteoporosis - at 28. My zoladex injections may be leaching the calcium from my bones. I would be depressed about it all - no money, no status, no anything, but after years of chanelling my fluffy side, crying wih my therapist and reading self-help books I've decided to REPRESS all those feelings as only an English person can. I've done it before and I can do it again. Scarlett - you're my heroine from now on. I'm going to copy that selfish, determined and scheming minx until my life is back on track and I stop feeling sorry for myself. Of course, I intend to keep my man.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Innocence & Elegance

London's hotter than a gigolo's groin today, which is no joke when you have a take a London bus. Managed to assuage the hideousness by buying, and reading, Innocence by Kathleen Tessaro. I enjoyed Elegance, although I'm not sure if I was more fascinated by the aged etiquette mistress Kathleen quotes than the protagonist herself.

Innocence begins unassumingly. However the story pans out, the cover has seduced me.

Revulsion and Self Loathing

The very idea of romantic novels repulses me. My heart races, my teeth grit, I mock them in public. What am I, an intelligent woman, doing reading about true love and passion? Don't I have better things to do? (Actually, probably not, unless you count washing the kitchen floor and making excreable bread Anyone got a good recipe?). And yet, oh lordy. I can't seem to escape them.

It's a secret love affair.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Cruel Rejection - Sob

So far today:

Number of returned manuscripts from literary agents: 1

Scowls: At least 3

Breakfast: Healthy Yorkie (Pink Edition)

Crying fits: 1/2

Currently reading: The Little Lady Agency, Hester Browne

Approval of above author: Positively olive green with jealousy after only 7 pages.

And have only been awake 30 minutes. It's an emotional life.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Sweating it Out

Where could I look? As I spoke to my mother-in-law I was acutely aware that she was naked. And so was I. I'm not used to being naked. I like clothes. That's an understatement. I adore clothes, and lots of them. I swathe myself in vests and pashminas, cashmere socks and cardigans that come to my knees. I'm one of those people that complains of the cold when the temperature dips below 25 degrees. I'm naked in the bath. That's it. Or that's how it used to be.

Mother-in-law, father-in-law, & h'band took me to the sauna. Not just a sauna, but a bona fide German nudist sauna and water complex. I stood out like a beacon of pasty Englishness against the crowds of tanned Teutons. The experience was relaxing and terrifying in equal measures.

H'band claims that no-one stares at anyone esle at the sauna. This is a lie. I stared at everyone. I will never worry about my weight again.